My anxiety has gotten worse over the course of the semester. I feel it engulf me and spit me out. It happens over and over and over again. I may not have an attack for a week, and I begin to think, “I may actually be okay.”
…And then it happens…
Without any warning, my mind drifts to things I shouldn’t think about, my chest tightens, my breathing becomes shallow, and I can’t escape.
Anxiety attacks, like those, happen to me all the time; they’ve happened to me since I was a child. I remember my first panic attack happened to me when I was ten, during the middle of mass on a Sunday afternoon. I couldn’t do anything but be quiet because I was with a friend and I couldn’t disturb the priest and the people around me.
That was the first time it happened, and it’s always been the same.
Death haunts me wherever I go. I see death in everything. Every joyous occasion is glazed over by a black veil that reminds me that I have a fleeting moment on this earth. That I will turn into dust and be no more. My mind just can’t handle that idea, and I never know how to make it better.
My boyfriend and my other friends don’t seem to really understand. Most of them are atheists and are completely okay with the idea of death, and a few are religious and believe that there is life beyond death.
I don’t know what to think. All I know is that death is one of the main worries of people who have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and I fit a lot of the symptoms. I just know I shouldn’t diagnose myself.
Sometimes, I feel like dying. Just to see what it would be like. My life isn’t bad. In fact, it’s extremely good. I have Tim, and he makes me so incredibly happy, and Charlotte is an amazing friend. My family may be crazy, but I’m happy I have a family that is happy with my future plans.
When I get like this, I think of everyone who has lived and died. I think about the times that seem permanent are only temporary, and when I die, I won’t have this anxiety anymore, but the fact that I won’t continue to live bothers me.
I’m just tired of crying and my chest tightening and feel anxious all the time and then have these random outbursts where I can’t calm down, and all I want to is hurt myself.