Failure and What Ifs?

Hello lovely person who still follows my blog; even though, I have been terrible at keeping up with it. When was my last post? Late September? Early October? Needless to say, that I am very bad at this whole blogging thing, and for that, I apologize.

This semester has been my main priority, and it has been a “shit-storm” of a semester.

School is a mix of emotions that I cannot seem to describe. It goes so slow. I dread each day because I feel like I am the only person in the class who is not incredibly smart, but I just cannot wait for it to end. On top of that, it feels like it is going by so fast, I have about a week left until finals. *Chokes on sobs of anxiety* School has made me realize that I despise and fear failure, when in all honesty, failing is probably the most important thing that can happen to you in your life. You learn from failing, but the whole process rips you to your core and exposes you to all of your insecurities making you feel vulnerable… But are you not more interesting for failing at something and gaining wisdom and knowledge from that failure? I should think and hope so… Otherwise, I will have achieved nothing.

I had something else that I wanted to get out of my mind. My “What if?”

Now, many people have a “what if?” in their lives. Some may think about their lost love or that job that sounded fantastic except the decrease in pay, but mine is about college. As you know, I got to UNC, one of the top schools for academics and one of the most respected universities in the country (except that may have declined since the AFAM-Football scandal, which I think is by far the funniest thing to ever happen at UNC… EVER). UNC has a fantastic psychology program, which is my major, and the campus is… pretty… I would not go so far as to call it beautiful, but it isn’t all brick like NC State (Sorry WolfPack, all brick just is not my style). However, I do not feel at home here. AT ALL. UNC has this thing called the Carolina Way. You do not cheat, lie, steal, break any laws (all of these which seem normal to almost everyone), and you, the student, are extremely courteous and outstanding and incredibly smart and you have an insane amount of school pride. See, I am good with everything the Carolina Way stands for, except school pride. I am not proud of my school. In fact, when I tell people “I go to Carolina,” I usually don’t make eye contact and I mumble that sentence. Most people’s attitudes change once I tell them where I go. I have had people assume that I am wealthy (and they could not be more wrong) or that I am arrogant (I hope they are wrong, but perceptions change from person to person). In all honesty, I hate UNC. I transferred to this university during my junior year, so my pride for this school was little to begin with, but once school started, I realized that I just did not fit in at all. After that realization, I began to realize other things I did not like about the campus. I do not like sports, so why am I here? I do not care about the rivalry between Duke and UNC (it is so pointless), so why am I here? I force myself to get out of bed every morning, when all I want to do is hide like I used to when I was five, so why am I here?

It makes me wonder about the other schools that I could have gone to but never applied. Which leads me to my “what if?”

During my sophomore year at community college, I kept getting letters of interest from Cornell University, an Ivy League school. My mother wanted me to apply so bad, but I did not want to do what my mother wanted me to do, so I never applied. I said it was because I did not want to be away from Tim and that it was just cheaper for me to go to school instate and that I did not like New York (sorry, New York, you’re just too cold for me). Now, while all of these are true, there is one excuse I never used because I knew it would have hurt my mother’s feelings. I did not apply to Cornell University because I did not want her to get her way…

But, now I am lying on my couch at 2:11 in the morning wondering “what if?” What if I had applied to Cornell University? What if I had gotten in? Would I have fit in? Would I have more school pride? Would I feel smarter? Eat better? Smile more? Not dread every day when I wake up in the morning? Would I be happier with my education?

I am so close to graduating that I promised myself to tough it out. Getting any degree from UNC looks good, but I know that each day that leads up to graduation, I die a little inside, my pride dies a little, and my mind always wanders to Cornell University. What if that was the university for me, and now I may never know.

So, how are you, my fellow blogger? I hope you are swell! It would be a shame if you weren’t. Furthermore, what is your “what if?”


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