Work is all that I have been doing these past few weeks. Work in school, work in my actual job, and work to keep up what few relationships I have. It’s enough to cause people to go crazy. I know my stress and anxiety levels have soared. School may very well be the death of me, seeing as this has been my hardest semester. I dropped my history class because it turns out that I didn’t need it to graduate; even though, the university website said I did. I have one (that’s right, read it, I said ONE) midterm that spans three days this week, and I have another midterm on Monday. Assignments and projects and papers pile up, and I feel buried, and once, I feel like I’ve done a good portion of work, I get more school work that I have to do. Furthermore, my job itself is work. My manager is extremely nice to me, but she is a very assertive and dominating force. I tend to be really anxious around her because I don’t want to irritate her. I try to do my job to the best of my abilities, but sometimes, I feel like I’m not good enough, so I work even harder, and I get more anxious. She notices too. She gave me a list of things to do one night, and told me, “Don’t do all of this by yourself, you have two other people here.” Which is nice, but at the same time, the people I was working with were slow and they slack off. I like things done a certain way, and they don’t do it right. I also had my hours cut because I couldn’t handle my job and school at the same time, so now my paychecks will suck. C’est la vie.
This Saturday I will be a bridesmaid in the wedding of one of my best friends. I’m excited, yet terrified all at the same time. The dress is a style that I really can’t pull off because I have curves. It’s strapless and the cut is pretty low, and I just feel awkward in it. It’s royal blue and satin, and we’re pinning a sunflower on it because it’s a Marine wedding, and the colors are blue and yellow. I put the dress on, and I feel like a giant blueberry. The wedding itself has been stressing me out because I’ll be missing a full day of school, and I need to study for my midterm I have on Monday. However, I am very excited and happy for her.
Speaking of the bridesmaid dress, I’ve been going to the gym all the time to try to fit into it. I can finally zip it all the way up, but I still feel like a beached whale. My mother is probably the reason for all of this. Everytime I see her, she asks if I’ve gained weight. The funny thing is that other people I see ask me the opposite. “You look great, have you lost weight?” I do my best to eat healthy, and I do cardio all the time. I should probably do some weight training, but I have no clue how to do any of that, and I don’t really want to look like a dork in front of athletic people. This whole fixation on weight is stupid. I always believed that cultivating your mind was so much more important than the number on the scale, but this woman, my mother, drills it into my head that I’m bigger than I used to be, and now I can’t stop thinking about it. I feel guilty after eating anything, and I constantly wonder about what I can eat that would make me thinner. I feel like she won’t be happy until I’m back at a size three, and I’ll probably have an eating disorder, but she wouldn’t want to know about that because our family doesn’t have problems.
All of this is causing the downward spiral that is my life. I’ve been wanting to self harm more and more, but I have ways to not do that. I draw on myself with a red pen or marker to make it seem like I have cut without actually doing it. It works pretty well actually. I know I have a good life, and I know there are people who have it worse than I do, but that doesn’t change how I feel.